


Sweet Creature

by moonlight_jukebox



Series: The Aftermath [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26569075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_jukebox/pseuds/moonlight_jukebox
Summary: How do you start to rebuild something that was never whole in the first place?- Part 3 of "The Aftermath"
Relationships: Spencer Reid & You, Spencer Reid/Reader
Series: The Aftermath [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915579
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	Sweet Creature

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s part 3. Hopefully the finale installment won’t take too much longer. This part is inspired by Sweet Creature by Harry Styles, which you don’t have to listen to. Just thought I’d mention it.

Once upon a time, when things were so different, Spencer told me that energy can’t be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed into some other form.

I think that’s how I love people. The love in my heart can’t be created because it was already a part of me, I just give that love to someone. In the same vein, that love can’t be destroyed…it can only change form.

Even though it was painful, I can’t lie and say that my love for Spencer Reid changed form at all. It continued to be a void in my heart that threatened to crush me if I let it.

I couldn’t get rid of it. So, I healed around it.

Pain demands to be felt and pain will always stay with you.

It doesn’t have to destroy you.

The unrequited love I felt for Spencer Reid just became a piece of my heart. I loved my parents, I loved my friends, I loved Spencer. I loved my parents even when they hurt my feelings, I loved my friends even when they let me down…and I loved Spencer even when he didn’t love me back.

\--

It took the better part of 6 months for things to get back to normal between us. Spencer dating Max helped. I think it showed him that he could live a life without JJ and still be happy.

It helped me because I got to see the smile I fell in love with. That was enough, even if it wasn’t directed at me.

When Max and Spencer called it quits, my heart broke for him yet again. She couldn’t handle his work schedule and he wasn’t ready to give up the BAU yet.

It was just bad timing.

It’s _always_ just bad timing.

\--

Penelope Garcia insisted that it was a tradition that the team goes out for a drink together after one of them experiences the pain of heartbreak. I wasn't entirely sure it was a real tradition, but if it wasn't before I certainly was now.

I don’t think anyone noticed the significance of the bar that was chosen as the place to help Spencer drown his sorrows, but I did.

I think Spencer did too.

Tonight was so similar to that fateful night a year ago when I realized I was in love with a fantasy, the night I first got my heart broken. The only difference this time was that JJ had come.

I stuck with Alvez for most of the night. We were both members of the team, but we had been there for the shortest amount of time; the rest of the team had been a family for the better part of a decade. Even Matt had joined the team as an extended member of that family. Alvez and I bonded because we would never truly be a part of that family.

“How are you doing?” He asked after a long stretch of silence.

I shrugged. “I’m okay.”

Both of his dark eyebrows went up as he shot me an incredulous look. “You’re _okay_?” His tone made it clear that he didn’t believe me.

"I'm okay in the same way you're okay, Luke," I whispered. "I'm okay in the way that it's enough to see the person you love smile...even if that smile is not at you."

My eyes were fixed on my glass as I spoke so I couldn’t see the look of agony that crossed Luke’s face.

“You know?” he mumbled.

The sad smile I offered him when I covered his hand with my own was the only answer I had.

\--

It was my experience that events always unfold in the most painful way possible. That is why I wasn’t overly surprised when I saw Prentiss and Alvez guiding a very drunk Penelope out of the bar, or when Matt excused himself to go home to his family.

JJ left last. While the rest of the team had been sitting at a table tonight, she and Spencer had snagged a booth near the back. Every time I looked over they seemed to be in some sort of heated conversation that made my stomach clench.

I had started to gather my things when I noticed her stand out of the corner of my eye. My gaze turned towards her automatically only to find she was already looking at me.

I couldn’t understand the look in her eyes. It felt important, terrified, and hopeful all at the same time.

After she walked out of the bar that same familiar coldness settled on top of my skin. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be the sort of person who would walk right out of the bar and ignore the pain radiating off of a man who had _never_ cared about me.

But I couldn’t.

Each one of my steps was measured and purposeful as I made my way to the back wall of the room. It felt wrong to take JJ’s old seat, but what other choice did I have?

I felt like I would always be a replacement for JJ.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly. “It’s probably a dumb question, I know.”

Spencer’s lips quirked up in a bittersweet smile, not looking up from the table. “We’ve been here before.”

“I’m sorry about Max.”

“It’s alright,” he assured me, bringing his glass up to his lips. He still wasn’t looking at me, his gaze was fixed to the wall behind me, which only made the coldness seep deeper inside of me. “It should have ended a long time ago.”

My heart squeezed so hard at his words I had to dig my nails into my palms. _No._

“The hardest part about being a _genius_ is this assumption that I always know what I’m doing. I can recite facts and statistics about things that don’t matter.” He releases a bitter chuckle. “But I can’t tell you anything about things that actually matter.”

“I don’t think that’s true, Reid.”

He drops his gaze to mine suddenly, his brown eyes finally really looking at me. “Why are you doing this?”

I just shrugged. “Because you’re hurting.”

“But I’ve hurt you,” he reminded me.

My breath rushed out of my chest in a sigh. “I don’t think I’m the type of person who can stop caring about people just because they hurt me.”

The silence that hung between us felt suffocating. _Why did I come here?_

"I never saw you before," he whispers, breaking the silence. "Then after that day in the conference room, you were all I could see."

If possible, the air seemed to get heavier, like a weight pressing down on my chest that prevented my lungs from expanding. _Why are you doing this to me?_

“I knew I could never have JJ,” he began. “After I lost Maeve, I didn’t think I’d have anyone, but I don’t think I ever let go. I didn’t let go of this dream I had for my life. And then when I heard her…I heard her tell me that she loved me it just pulled all of these feelings to the surface of my skin.”

Spence scrubbed a hand over his face. "I didn't realize the feelings were still there. But…now I'm not sure if they really even were." 

“You’ve lost me.”

For just that second, everything felt perfect. His eyes seemed to sparkle when his full pink lips quirked up in a small smile. I didn’t feel the pain of losing something I never had in that moment. I didn’t miss a relationship that was totally in my mind. I felt grounded, whole. What’s worst of all is that I felt happy.

"It's almost like transference, in some way. I wanted to…I wanted to feel these things for someone. I wanted to love someone with everything I had in me," he said, his voice slightly thick and his eyes glassy. "It's just not something I ever thought I could have. That dream just keeps dying. It died when I realized JJ was dating Will. It died when I saw…when I saw the light leave Maeve's eyes. I just…I thought I wasn't meant to be happy. Then…then she tells me that she did love me. It just brought up all this…anger." Spencer was visibly shaking now. "I was so fucking angry with her because I don't even think she meant it. I know her, she's my best friend. I would have…I would have known."

I cleared my throat, choosing my words carefully. “I’m so sorry, Spencer.”

“The dream never fully formed when I was with Max,” he went on. “I think…I thought that part of me was broken.”

“Prison didn’t break you, Reid.”

He shook his head. “Prison didn’t break that part of me. You did.” He moved slowly, so slowly that I had time to pull away. “I thought that part of me broke that day in the conference room when I…I knew I had hurt you, but I didn’t…I never wanted….”

I turned my hand so that my palm was pressed against his own. “I know, Reid.”

“I wish I would have seen you before,” he rasped out. “You were right there…you were so close the entire time. I was just too wrapped up in my old dream to see it, to see _you._ ”

My fingers wrapped around his hand, squeezing gently. “I’m still here, Spencer,”

“Are you?” he asked, those swirling brown eyes searching mine.

“Yeah, Doc,” I replied sadly. “I’m still here.” The part of my heart that loved Spencer Reid still ached inside my chest. _How could I be anywhere else?_

“Can I fix this?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed, pulling my hand away from his. “You’re hurting now Spencer, and I’m so sorry. But I can’t…I can’t be what you need. I’m _not_ what you need.”

“You’re wrong,” he said quietly.

“I don’t think…I’m not JJ, Spencer. I can never be JJ. And I don’t know how I could ever believe you care about me…that you _want_ to be with me the way you want to be with her.”

I was always the consolation prize, the second choice. I was just good enough to dull the pain when people couldn’t get what they really wanted.

“Will you let me try?”

My eyes closed tight, both to stop any tears from falling and because I couldn’t bear to look at him a moment longer.

“I don’t…I don’t think I can.”

“Hey,” he said softly. I forgot how tall he is, how long his arms arm. He was able to reach over the table and bring his right hand up to cradle my face. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

_You always hurt me._

I opened my eyes, unable to stop the tear that slipped down my cheeks. “Why do you want to try?” I whispered.

His thumb brushed over my cheek, catching my tear before wiping it away. “You know that feeling you get after a really long trip? When you’re so excited to be home and you _finally_ open your front door?”

I nodded, my bottom lip trembling as more tears spilled from my eyes.

“That’s what I think loving you would feel like.” 


End file.
